What to do when you feel inadequate

I often feel inadequate.

Inadequate amongst the people I spend time with. Inadequate amongst the writers and poets I compare myself to. Inadequate amongst the likes of artists, environmentalists and business people who have either created something magical, or an empire, by the time they turned 22. Inadequate amongst the Instagram famous whose workouts are far more intense and regular than I could possibly make the time for mine to be. Inadequate based on my looks, my art, my words, my love and my achievements.

I’m not suggesting that I have created or achieved nothing in the past 21 years. I am 3 semesters off finishing my social work degree; I have an assistant in nursing certificate; I have written a novel; I have been an ambassador for a camp for kids born with various heart conditions and am currently an online ambassador for that same organisation; I have spoken in front of medical professionals who have experienced beyond my years and yet treated by them as if I am an equal; I have survived many a heart operation and have created words and stories and art that I am beyond proud of.

So no, I am not suggesting that I am merely an inadequate. I’m just simply suggesting that I am a master at comparison and thus, often feel inadequate within the presence of other greatness.

Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon feeling. 

So many of us feel inadequate and it’s not a nice feeling. For me personally it leaves me feeling sad, numb, angry and constantly on the verge of tears and it’s actually a feeling I’ve been re-introduced to over the past few days, unfortunately. I’m not sure why but sometimes a sadness, an emptiness, a feeling of being totally inadequate because I don’t have *insert object/relationship status here*.

That, is so unfair toward me and my own mental wellbeing; just like it’s so unfair toward you and your mental wellbeing to feel so deeply inadequate that you aren’t sure if it’s going to just leave you alone or swallow you whole.

Thus, I’ve compiled a list of things to do when you have that feeling swirling around inside of you.

 

Unfollow social media accounts that make you feel crappy!

Seriously. Just do it. It doesn’t matter if that person is consciously or subconsciously making you feel crap, the point is, you are feeling that way and that’s not fun!

So, just unfollow them.

You’ll feel so much better when you do.

Trust me.

 

FOLLOW social media accounts that value things like art, activism, human rights, or simply just admire and focus on the inside rather than aesthetics!

My personal favourite instagram accounts that I follow that all tend to leave me loving myself, my art and my passions, include:

AllyEmmaHaley

IsabellaThe Messy HeadsMarissa

ShaeStefCartia & Ciaffy

Although of course there are SO many more incredible, powerful, artistic, passionate and hardworking women who you can follow to get inspired/feeling MORE powerful, these are just a few. 

Avoid excessive exercise!

When I’m feeling inadequate or just plain, sad, I tend to exercise for all the wrong reasons and therefore end up lying on the floor, sweating and in tears because I feel like I didn’t go hard enough, or for long enough. That’s not healthy!

Instead of trying to do an intense workout of any kind, maybe stretch, do a light round of yoga or simply go enjoy a long, slow walk surrounded by nature.

Journal

Get your feelings down on paper. Or on a word document. Whatever way you feel more comfortable, so long as you’re getting your emotions, your frustrations, your worries and doubts all out.

Being able to get out those feelings is so important and works absolute wonders on what’s going on in your mind.

Focus on your work/art/passion

Whether you are a musician, artist, aspiring doctor or lawyer, or anything in between, focus on that gift!

Remind yourself that you are incredibly talented, that you have a remarkable gift whether that be the ability to create poems from scrambled words you see in the deli section; the ability to create a song from a sound you heard in the streets; the love of researching beyond what Med school has told you that you need to know; or wanting to fight for human rights in a court room-all of those things, and talents and gifts beyond these I’ve mentioned, are beautiful. 

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And although so many people may have these gifts, the way you work on them, work through them and come to an end product is unique to you and that’s cool.

Focus on that. Focus on you.

 

What do you do when you’re feeling inadequate? Let me know in the comments below or come start a conversation with me on my instagram page!

I can’t remember but God it’s hard to forget

I live a destructive lifestyle. 

I cannot count the amount of times I have written this sentence in my diary over the past year.

However, I did think that the sigh of relief that occurred after ending a recent relationship was more than enough for me to understand that I should look for more, that I deserve more; but Destruction is a funny thing,  and this was a way of living that I desperately fell in love with. A month after this particular phase of my life ended, I met another guy. He said all the right things. He treated me…exactly how the first guy did but as they say, misery loves company and I stayed.

Until, I discovered he was living with his long-term girlfriend.

Ironically, guy number 2 had the exact same name, as guy number 1. 

You see, I tend to make homes out of the wrong people, and I’ve always found that I have to move out  (Sourcewhich in hindsight makes perfect sense but like people who are addicted to drugs or alcohol, I’m addicted to creating these houses with people who have the ability to have me in tears all day and craving their attention and fraudulent affection at night.

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I fuck myself over constantly by allowing myself to be raw and open with people who never get the chance to actually screw me, so they screw me over instead, they choose me second and they only want me to be the girl they come home to at 4am after spending the early hours of the night with someone else.

Because I either let men who want me, take advantage of my need for attention; or I chase after men who are yet to show me the attention I crave.

Not long ago, my friend told me that a particular guy wasn’t into me like that. My first reaction: then I’ll make him be into me

A part of me knows I deserve to walk away from men who cannot see that I have so much greatness to give; but another part of me craves attention so much that if you don’t like me, I’m going to give you a reason to want to fuck me-even though I’ll never let you actually screw me.

Yes, I am tease.

I am a flirt.

I am a whore and you can call me what you want because the truth is, you are probably correct. I should just say no, we are just friends. I shouldn’t flirt. I shouldn’t get in too deep and pull the plug because I’m not ready to settle down, to fuck a guy who I have no intention of saying good morning to the following day.

I am all of these things that you, that society, wants to name me.

But most of all, I’m self-destructive. I’m on a path that 2016 has shown to be full of blood and tears and bathroom floors and men who take advantage of so many aspects of my self that I show them.

In so many ways I blame myself.

Because if I didn’t flirt, if I didn’t tease, if I didn’t giggle when they flirt with me, maybe I would never be in these situations. 

Yet at the same time, I know that I’m allowed to share the blame with these men who have fucked with my feelings and left me drowning in my own tears at night, having to pretend everything is fine during the day.

Because of you, I now struggle to live a vulnerable and authentic life; I am so tired of having my heart broken, of having my real self being seen as a joke and as easy, as someone who can be played with like a damn puppet. I am so tired and now, in the current position of my life, I find myself struggling to open up to potential friends who are of the opposite sex because of you.

Because of you, I stopped living authentically.

Because of you, I thought it was okay to give myself away to men like you.

Because of you, I dyed my hair so I could disconnect from my self that let you treat me like trash.

Because of you, my mum wants me to leave home just so I don’t have to live in a place that reminds me of the hell that you put me through.

Because of you, I’m treated like a bitch, and you, a good guy because who would ever think that someone like you could hurt anyone…

Because of you, I thought I deserved the way men treated me.

But I didn’t and I don’t.

I’m still trying to forget what I allowed myself to go through as I let this addiction consume me as a human being; but at the same time I cannot even remember ever letting the addiction take hold and that is terrifying. 

 

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I have an addiction to letting myself be treated like absolute trash. I stopped believing that I was worth more, that I deserved more. So I flirted with men and lead them on and was called a bitch when I wouldn’t let any of them sleep with me. Today, as I write this, I’ve been reminding myself daily that I am more, that I deserve more and that most importantly, I don’t need approval from anyone, let alone any man, to know this.

I don’t consider this to be a past addiction, it’s still very much a fire that burns so brightly inside of me, but everyday it dims a little as I put one foot in front of the other, hoping that tomorrow I’ll be a little gentler with myself.

 

Be gentle with yourself, no matter what your addiction is, you deserve softness and love.

 

I’d also like to just apologise to the women who were in relationships with the guys I’ve been attached to in some way. I didn’t know. You are not my competition and the moment I found out that these men were attached to you, to another woman, I left. I am so, sorry.

 

 

Photos are from tumblr and I do not know the sources so if you do, please let me know x

I failed… and that’s okay

Two Friday’s ago, I had an online exam for one of my subjects, Policy Making and Management. I had completed all my readings that we were expected to have completed. I had written pages and pages of notes. I was ready.

Or so I thought. 

Turns out, I failed the exam. It was only worth 10% and I only failed by one question, but I still failed. I was sitting in the University Library before I ran out, leaving all my stuff behind, rung my mum and basically told her how unfair life is. How I studied my ass off for this exam and yet here I am, a failed student. Mum eventually calmed me down, but internally, I was still absolutely fuming because how could I have worked so hard and received so little? Then, a few days later, I found out a friend of mine passed with flying colours, only getting three questions wrong. She hadn’t studied at all. She hadn’t completed all her readings and she most certainly had not written pages and pages of notes.

Although I was so happy for her, I was so angry because I had worked so freaking hard to get a great mark and I didn’t get that mark, heck, I didn’t even pass. 

That exam was two weeks ago and of course, I’m still a little upset and that is understandable because the only thing we have really been taught is that failing equates to being a failure, and passing equates to being worthy of something more. However, it’s not like that in reality. The truth is, yes in the short term it fucking sucks that I failed, that you failed, but in the long run? It hardly matters at all.

 

The thing is, we live in and are part of a society that preaches to us that learning isn’t necessarily important, rather it’s the passing and getting straight A’s, that is more important. How sad is that? We live in a world where 57 million children do not even have a school to go to, and we, as first world citizens, are sitting all high and mighty, forcing our children to get straight A’s and top marks in the HSC and QCS exams. Isn’t there something wrong with that? 

We view education as grades, because that’s what we have been taught. We’ve been given the ultimatum that if we do not get a high school education, if we do not get a university degree that exceeds everyone’s expectations, then heck why are teachers wasting their time on you? 

The question that I consistently ask myself, is why are we viewing education like we are, and why are we not viewing it as a learning experience, as the opportunity to learn something we didn’t even know about before?

Emma Mercury (instagram and youtube favourite) actually wrote a post recently about this on Instagram where she mentioned that school has become a way for us to persevere through situations that aren’t enjoyable and my question is, why the fuck has school become like this? It shouldn’t be and that’s why I’m reminding you that failing doesn’t fucking matter.

In fact, it is quite alright if you fail, because you are human, because you have family commitments, because you have work commitments, because you are allowed to be a teenager and it’s okay to go to social events, and in between all that, you still have essays to write.

So of course it’s okay to fail. 

failed

From a very young age, we are taught that the only students who matter to the school, to the education system, are the ones who are above average. 

That, is not okay. 

I am in no way diminishing the effort and energy that is put in by those students who are above average, but something that we tend forget is that there are students who get straight C’s, or who sometimes fail, who also put in tremendous amounts of effort. Or, we forget the fact that some students are better at managing everything that is on their plate than other students, and that is okay too. We cannot all have the capacity to deal with family or work issues, as well as submit great essays. As John Lennon is so famously quoted saying, Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.

Please, remind yourselves that. 

 

I failed. I was angry and upset, and I could spend weeks or even months crying over this tiny fact. I could scream out that the world is so unfair and that the education system rigged me to fail. However, what would be the point of that? There wouldn’t be one. Because in the end, I failed. But, I failed only one test. One test out of three this semester. One test out of twelve pieces of assessment due over the course of this next semester. One exam over the course of hundreds of essays I have to write over the period of my four year course.

In three years time, when I’ve graduated and when I have been working for 12 months, I am not going to look back at this one exam and be angry over the fact that I failed; in fact, in three years time, I probably won’t even remember this one exam! That’s the point! It’s one small exam or essay or project that you fail and in the long run, it probably doesn’t mean that much anyway. I know you don’t hear that often, but let me take you by the hands and look you in the eyes as I say this; failing isn’t going to change you as a person, or change you as a student, it’s not going to make you better or worse. It’s just a thing-no attachment 

The world isn’t being unfair toward me because I failed. The education system wasn’t rigged for me to fail. I just failed and that, is okay, because passing, or failing, does not equate to your worth as a human being.

 

Have you ever failed before? Let me know your stories in the comments and let’s all share the love x

I said… No

This is the first of a series I’m starting of creative pieces I’ve written/will continue to write that I want to share with you all. One friday every month, be on the look out x

 

(Trigger Warning: I’ve never done a TW before so I’m not sure if this post will count as one, but you will be reading about emotional abuse and saying no before being convinced to say yes.)

 

 

He was emotionally abusive.

I’m incredibly terrified of announcing this on the world wide web purely because I believe, in the grand scheme of things, being involved with him wasn’t as bad as the stories I’ve read or things I’ve heard from other men and women.

I succinctly remember saying to my friend, while walking around the University, “It genuinely feels like i’ve just gotten out of an emotionally abusive relationship” the day after him and I had stopped talking. Yet, at the same time, months before our relationship came to an end, I was writing this in my journal:

 

“… I consume my poison in the form of leading men on until I get tired or bored and I leave…”

so I must have been a tease

a flirt

a whore

I do believe it was more me than it was him, that it was never an emotionally abusive relationship, because he never would have told me no one would love me like he did had i not been a tease, a flirt. Because let’s face it, he was just being a male who was keen on sleeping with a girl he believed had fallen for him. 

I caused this myself. 

Sometimes though, I feel it in my heart, that he used my own confusion, my own desire for attention, to his god damn advantage. And that’s not okay. 

I said no. Many a time, I spelt it out for him that we, were just friends. That him and I, were never going to be anything more. That I simply just wanted him in my life as a friend.

Yet every time, without fail, he cried, he became disoriented, he became frustrated, angry, vile. “But that’s not how it is supposed to be. You are meant to like me. We will end up together, you just wait and see. You like me, I can tell, everyone fucking likes me.” 

It was always like going on a trip with him, one that riddled my bones with guilt and my blood with fear that no one, would ever love me like he seemed to. In fact, I remember driving through my home town with my mother one day, claiming, crying, “but mum, maybe I should just settle because even though he isn’t ideal, maybe no one will love me like him.” 

News flash babe: he never fucking loved you. 

Just because he was kind in the beginning. Just because he was constantly checking up on me. That didn’t stop him from becoming the man who reminded me far too often that I would not find someone else, not like him anyway, because he’d give me the world, he’d be the only one who would. 

 

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Source – tumblr

 

And I’m laying in bed tonight and I feel physically sick, on edge, despite this occurring almost 12 months ago. Because no matter what he said to me, how he tried to convince me that we were meant to be, I said…No.

 

But I was a flirt.

I was a tease.

I was a whore.

 

I once wrote in my journal;

I love male attention, I fucking crave it. 

 

He used that. He used the fact that I loved it when a guy smiled at me; winked at me; flirted with me. He used that to his advantage when he proclaimed to my friend one day, “well, there the fuck is all this male attention that she’s getting? Does she even get any apart from me?” As if to say, well If I’m all she’s getting, and she loves the attention, then why aren’t we fucking?

News flash number two: just because I’m not parading around the fact that men flirt with me, like you parade your dick, it doesn’t mean it’s not there. 

but I caused this…

We have not spoken for 6 months, which is the longest we have gone without contacting one another in the past five years of our friendship. I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed that in 2016 it’s become a trend that people always leave. 

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Photo source-Tumblr

 

A week after we stopped speaking I discovered that he had just broken things off with his girlfriend of 18 months. While he was trying to get me into his bed, while he was proclaiming that we were most certainly going to be together, no matter how I felt about the situation, he was fucking another girl.

I was a tease. I deserved this. 

Yesterday, I decided that if we met again, I’d tell him to fuck off, that he has no right to walk up to me in a crowded room full of strangers when he so simply left me to bleed to death from the knife wounds he created; while he begged and pleaded that I apologise for his wrongs. I’d let him know that my life has been a hell of a lot better since he decided to hit the road when, for the last time, I said No

 

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Photo source-tumblr (no URL available)

 

I said….No.

Reminder; NO is a sentence. It is an answer. It is damn well okay to speak out loud and yet here I am, having to explain this to you when in an ideal world, we would all be well aware of this fact. 

I said No. No. No. No. 

 

But I must have lead you on, I must have fucking caused this. 

You managed to convince me that I was wrong in saying No. That I was wrong in how I was feeling. That no one, would love me like you convinced me you did.

 

It’s been 12 months almost to the day when I said remember saying a firm and definite No to you for the first time and yet here I am, choking up because it feels so raw. 

 

You told me I was wrong.

You’ll regret this, you whisper.

This isn’t how it’s supposed to be, you screamed.

We’ll be together in the end, you’ll see, you sneered.

 

I remember the first time I apologised for saying No to you. Imagine that, me apologising for saying that no, we couldn’t and wouldn’t be together. I’m just terribly self-destructive, I don’t know what I want, I’ll end up hurting you and I’d rather hurt myself, are just some of the reasons I cried to you as I apologised over the phone.

It’s okay, you laughed, It will be okay. You just have to know that this, us being together, is how it’s supposed to be. 

I smiled. I laughed and I hung up the phone, sick to my stomach because for the first and most certainly not the last, time I let you have one over me, I let you convince me that I was wrong in saying no. 

 

I was flirt, a tease, a whore. I should have never resisted. I caused this.

I was not wrong. I did not cause this.

Because No is an entire sentence. Because you are not wrong for saying No to men who are kind to you, who sweet talk you, who flirt with you, who show you some act of decency, who treat you like he treated me.

 

But I was a flirt.

And I was a tease.

I liked the attention.

I hear the words society is screaming at me as they blame me for how this relationship ended.

And yes, yes, yes, I know. 

But even a God that I’m not sure exists, knows that I, that you, owe everyone, nothing. 

I said No and I ended up apologising and I thoughts thing would be okay.

They weren’t, because even today my stomach crawls at the thought of you and my heart races in panic when I say No to other men, for fear they will react as you did.

 

I was a flirt.

A whore

A tease.

I craved the attention.

But I also said no. 

 

No does not mean, convince me. It does not mean, maybe. It does not mean repeat yourself until I say yes.

 

No means no, and I fucking said it.

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Source- Artist

 

Why I went on a social media hiatus (and why you should too)!

Throughout July I went on somewhat of a hiatus. A social media hiatus. Okay, so I still used my personal Facebook, Tumblr and Instagram but everything else, I ditched. I stopped logging on to Twitter, I stopped blogging (and actually turned my blog onto private for a while) and deleted my Blog’s Instagram. Granted, it wasn’t a full blown hiatus and my family and friends were still an audience to my life that I was sharing online.

However, I did stop writing and I stopped expecting myself to write a new blog every week and I essentially, stopped putting the pressure on myself to be so present online and my word, it felt so damn good. Alas, as you have noticed if you are reading this post, I am back. I won’t be on twitter as often and I won’t be brining back my Instagram account but I will be blogging-often-because I love to write, it’s what I’m good at and it’s what I know I can turn to when I can’t turn to anyone else.

I’m going to be making some compromises with myself however as I return and that means more creative pieces, more pieces involving my study and my thoughts as I enter my third year of social work. I’ll be writing more about travel as I embark on two overseas adventures this year as well as many other travel adventures. Ultimately though, I’m going to stop putting the pressure on myself to perform to such high standards, but I’m going to keep writing on this blog because it’s what I love.

Whilst on my hiatus, I learnt a couple of things and have decided that going on a social media hiatus is something that not only I should be doing every now and then, but so should you and here’s 6 reasons why!

 

1.You learn what you really need

Do you really need to have every single social media app? Probably not. During my time off I learnt that I don’t need, nor do I really have a use for, Twitter and I definitely don’t need two Instagram accounts-one is plenty! Figure out what you use the most and then delete the rest!

 

2. You learn to post less!

Do you really need to tweet every meal or every thought or every TV show you are or are not watching? Definitely not. I’m not saying that posting these things is necessarily bad, but it distracts us from actually enjoying our meal or relishing in our thought or finding new TV shows to watch!

 

3. Thus, you become way more present!

Okay so you probably hear it everywhere (I know I do!), but I’m going to give you another reminder. Honestly though, once you go off the grid for a while you start to become more present without actually having to remind yourself to do so and bonus: you actually stop seeing all those *annoying* posts on social media reminding you to be present. 

 

4. You essentially get more time for yourself, your friends and a damn good social life!

I don’t really have to explain this any more because it’s self-explanatory; less pressure to perform to any online standards you’ve set yourself, means more time to get out of the house- and let me tell you that I have never been home less in my entire life, than I was throughout the month of July, purely for the fact that I had time to hang out with old friends and make some new ones.

 

5. You learn a lot about yourself-including what makes you happy

So, you don’t have to delete your entire social media presence to discover this (I didn’t!) In fact, I don’t actually know if there is a correlation between this point and social media, but I can assure you that going off the grid for a little while, definitely helps this point come to light. You begin to learn whether you’re posting that photo or tweeting that tweet because you want to, or because you think that’s what you’re supposed to be sharing with the world! Again, there’s nothing initially wrong with posting things to show off you/your life to the world because that’s what you think everyone wants to see, but sometimes you have to ask yourself, is posting that really making you happy?

 

6. You stop relying on “likes” for validation

I’m still struggling with this one and I don’t think it’s ever going to be something I will 100% be able to do, but I definitely got used to not looking on Twitter or Instagram, waiting for the next like or retweet. You also realise that likes do not determine your worth as a human being!

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Maybe one day I’ll do a massive social media cleanse and go on a hiatus for 6 months and maybe one day I’ll be ready for that. However, the 6 weeks I took off blogging and twitter and Instagram was perfect for the point in my life I was at. I lived a lot more. I got out a lot more. I met many new friends. I spent so much time with old ones, and most importantly, I got to spend a load of time getting to know me and what is important to me. 

Let me know in the comments below if you have been, or are thinking of going, on a social media hiatus and how it worked out for you!

 

Oh but it’s good to be back.