It’s been a few weeks since I last posted.
Since I was even active on my blog.
At the beginning of this semester I had this grand idea that somehow, amongst the 8.30-4.30, 5-day weeks, the journal and time sheets I have due every second week, my mid-placement reviews and my two 50% essays I am yet to begin, that I would also have time for a social life, to keep my place clean AND to reflect on each week of placement as it came and went.
I was clearly way in over my head.
I mean, in some ways I was. I have been able to manage working 5-days a week full-time although I have never done it before in my entire 21 years of living. I am able to maintain a social life-despite knowing only my two housemates, my brother and his friends, and the boys next door in the new city I am living in-somehow, I am managing parties on Saturday nights, movie nights every friday and exploring the city and the coast every Sunday. The keeping up to date with my reflections on my blog however, I haven’t been able to do. I’m sure it hasn’t bothered you though, and it hasn’t bothered me, because it’s given me time to live, to settle down, and to grow significantly.
I suppose this isn’t really a reflection blog- I write a reflection every fortnight to submit to my Liaison person for placement and so I am happy sticking to just those, for now anyway. I wanted to write this blog as more of a check-in, more of a way to let you know I’m still alive, I’m still kicking and I am well and truly falling more and more in love with this life, and the passions that I have, every single minute that I spend in this city.
I have been confused though, over whether it is this city, living out of home and doing everything on my own, that has allowed me the courage to walk a little taller, to create the person I always wanted to be, to grow so extensively in such a small period of time.
Or if it has been this placement. Six weeks of meeting souls who have been to hell and made it out alive, who have been handed a deck of cards that is so fucked up, and so unfair, but they manage to reach inside and find a resilience that I have never recognised in anyone before.
Maybe this is an outcome of the self-reflection journals I have had to write over the past six weeks, the reflective social work practitioner inside of me clawing its way out- but I just really want to know whether it’s the move, or the placement, that is allowing me to grow.
It’s interesting isn’t it, how one day we are in our safe, comfort zones. Our own little bubbles. Everything we see and feel and hear is everything we want to, because we are either oblivious to the world outside of us, or we are aware but choose not to do anything about it. Either way we are living how we want to live. Then the next day, everything is different, and it feels like we are seeing the world through brand new eyes.
Well, I guess that is how I have been feeling. Although the way I am living right now, is how I want to be living (I get to choose the food I eat, when I clean my room, how my room looks and I get to sip on green tea and watch 13 Reasons Why all day without ever having to answer anyone), I am also becoming more and more aware of the world outside of the bubble that I grew up in.
Disclaimer: When I mention the bubble we grew up in, it doesn’t mean we lived perfect, non-fucked-up childhoods, no. I just mean that the bubble is all we ever knew. Because if I am being totally honest with you, and I want to be honest with you, I did not grow up in a perfect little family. Mental health issues are prevalent within my family, chronic health issues are prevalent and hospitals, depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder and alcoholism are just some of the things I had a vast understanding of at young ages.
However, since coming to the city, since moving out of home, since starting this placement, I’ve learnt a few things. Mostly about myself, but a lot about the world, and some things about my fellow human beings that reside on planet earth.
I’ve learnt that I am so capable of being away from my family; that I can cook three meals a day that actually have nutritional value; that I have the ability to be domestic but also maintain a social life; that I am actually a lot more confident in who I am than I ever was in my hometown; that being happy in my body does not mean I have to change it, but going for a walk or doing yoga or just eating some god damn veggies, helps with my body image an incredible amount; that I am just capable of living, and also loving myself.
I have learnt that this world is so unfair; that alcoholism is not your favourite actor who gets drunk every so often and it’s caught in the tabloids- it’s a real problem, it affects so many people and newsflash, 9 times out of 10, it isn’t a choice.
I have learnt that human beings are some of the most resilient species I have ever come across; that people who use drugs and alcohol are still exactly that- people- and they deserve respect, and kindness; that literally every single one of us is so different and unique; and mostly, that human beings are also one of the most closed-minded species in the world and that fuck we are hard on each other- seriously, we just need to give one another a break.
The greatest thing I have learnt over these past two months of living in the city, of these six weeks of placement, is how totally and utterly okay and wonderful it is to be in love with yourself. To fall in love with yourself, your body, your mind, the way you speak, the words you write, the thoughts you come up with- is one of the most magical feelings in the world. It’s something I haven’t truly felt, ever, but it’s something that I now feel, almost every single day and I cannot fathom how much this move, this experience, has allowed me to be who I am, to fall in love with who I am.
I am grateful.
I am utterly in love with myself.
And there is nothing.
Wrong with that.
((P.S. I wrote a book, maybe you want to check it out (and purchase it) If you want to check it out HERE))