I live a destructive lifestyle. 

I cannot count the amount of times I have written this sentence in my diary over the past year.

However, I did think that the sigh of relief that occurred after ending a recent relationship was more than enough for me to understand that I should look for more, that I deserve more; but Destruction is a funny thing,  and this was a way of living that I desperately fell in love with. A month after this particular phase of my life ended, I met another guy. He said all the right things. He treated me…exactly how the first guy did but as they say, misery loves company and I stayed.

Until, I discovered he was living with his long-term girlfriend.

Ironically, guy number 2 had the exact same name, as guy number 1. 

You see, I tend to make homes out of the wrong people, and I’ve always found that I have to move out  (Sourcewhich in hindsight makes perfect sense but like people who are addicted to drugs or alcohol, I’m addicted to creating these houses with people who have the ability to have me in tears all day and craving their attention and fraudulent affection at night.

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I fuck myself over constantly by allowing myself to be raw and open with people who never get the chance to actually screw me, so they screw me over instead, they choose me second and they only want me to be the girl they come home to at 4am after spending the early hours of the night with someone else.

Because I either let men who want me, take advantage of my need for attention; or I chase after men who are yet to show me the attention I crave.

Not long ago, my friend told me that a particular guy wasn’t into me like that. My first reaction: then I’ll make him be into me

A part of me knows I deserve to walk away from men who cannot see that I have so much greatness to give; but another part of me craves attention so much that if you don’t like me, I’m going to give you a reason to want to fuck me-even though I’ll never let you actually screw me.

Yes, I am tease.

I am a flirt.

I am a whore and you can call me what you want because the truth is, you are probably correct. I should just say no, we are just friends. I shouldn’t flirt. I shouldn’t get in too deep and pull the plug because I’m not ready to settle down, to fuck a guy who I have no intention of saying good morning to the following day.

I am all of these things that you, that society, wants to name me.

But most of all, I’m self-destructive. I’m on a path that 2016 has shown to be full of blood and tears and bathroom floors and men who take advantage of so many aspects of my self that I show them.

In so many ways I blame myself.

Because if I didn’t flirt, if I didn’t tease, if I didn’t giggle when they flirt with me, maybe I would never be in these situations. 

Yet at the same time, I know that I’m allowed to share the blame with these men who have fucked with my feelings and left me drowning in my own tears at night, having to pretend everything is fine during the day.

Because of you, I now struggle to live a vulnerable and authentic life; I am so tired of having my heart broken, of having my real self being seen as a joke and as easy, as someone who can be played with like a damn puppet. I am so tired and now, in the current position of my life, I find myself struggling to open up to potential friends who are of the opposite sex because of you.

Because of you, I stopped living authentically.

Because of you, I thought it was okay to give myself away to men like you.

Because of you, I dyed my hair so I could disconnect from my self that let you treat me like trash.

Because of you, my mum wants me to leave home just so I don’t have to live in a place that reminds me of the hell that you put me through.

Because of you, I’m treated like a bitch, and you, a good guy because who would ever think that someone like you could hurt anyone…

Because of you, I thought I deserved the way men treated me.

But I didn’t and I don’t.

I’m still trying to forget what I allowed myself to go through as I let this addiction consume me as a human being; but at the same time I cannot even remember ever letting the addiction take hold and that is terrifying. 

 

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I have an addiction to letting myself be treated like absolute trash. I stopped believing that I was worth more, that I deserved more. So I flirted with men and lead them on and was called a bitch when I wouldn’t let any of them sleep with me. Today, as I write this, I’ve been reminding myself daily that I am more, that I deserve more and that most importantly, I don’t need approval from anyone, let alone any man, to know this.

I don’t consider this to be a past addiction, it’s still very much a fire that burns so brightly inside of me, but everyday it dims a little as I put one foot in front of the other, hoping that tomorrow I’ll be a little gentler with myself.

 

Be gentle with yourself, no matter what your addiction is, you deserve softness and love.

 

I’d also like to just apologise to the women who were in relationships with the guys I’ve been attached to in some way. I didn’t know. You are not my competition and the moment I found out that these men were attached to you, to another woman, I left. I am so, sorry.

 

 

Photos are from tumblr and I do not know the sources so if you do, please let me know x

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3 thoughts on “I can’t remember but God it’s hard to forget

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